Pregnancy loss can leave you feeling lost and alone. The truth is that it’s more common than you may think. Around 1 in 4 pregnancies end in loss, so it’s important that we talk about it more openly. This helps both men and women feel less isolated.
Whilst it’s true that women may go through a tougher physical experience when losing a baby, men feel all of the heartbreak too. They often don’t know who to turn to.
If you’re a man who has been through pregnancy loss, it’s ok to feel however you are feeling. There are many places you can get support. Here’s some of our advice on how to navigate loss on your road to becoming a father.
What is pregnancy loss?
Pregnancy loss can come in many forms — and all are equally valid and can hurt just as much. Miscarriage is the most common term associated with pregnancy loss, but that isn’t the full picture.
Understanding the different terms can help you communicate your feelings better. It can also help you feel validated that whatever type of loss you have been through, your grief is very real.
Early Miscarriage – Most pregnancy losses occur within the first 12 weeks of pregnancy. They are known as an early miscarriage.
Missed Miscarriage – Missed miscarriages usually happen in the first trimester but don’t come with the classic signs — like bleeding or pain. They are often discovered only at the 12-week scan. This can be a huge shock and make the loss harder to cope with.
Late Miscarriage – There’s no exact timeframe for a late miscarriage, but it generally refers to anything after the first trimester. These losses are rarer but can be very tough to deal with.
Stillbirth – A stillbirth refers to the death of a baby just before or during labour. This can be very traumatic, though it is much rarer nowadays. There are great charities that deal with this specific type of loss.
Ectopic Pregnancy – An ectopic pregnancy is when a fertilised egg implants outside the womb. The egg won’t develop into a baby and this can also be dangerous for the mother. It usually requires medication or surgery to terminate the pregnancy.
You may only find out a pregnancy is ectopic after a positive pregnancy test. The feelings of loss can be similar to going through an early miscarriage.
Failed IVF Cycles – You may not always associate a failed IVF cycle with pregnancy loss, but the truth is that when going through assisted fertility, you’ll be full of hope. You start to imagine the possibility of becoming pregnant. If the process doesn’t work, you can feel the same emotions of grief and loss as with a miscarriage.
Men and pregnancy loss
Pregnancy loss is always hard to navigate. As a male partner, there are many reasons why you might find it especially difficult to process your emotions or know what to do.
You want to protect your partner
This is a common narrative that guys tell themselves following pregnancy loss. If you have a female partner, it’s natural that you feel protective of them during this time.
Women go through a lot of physical and emotional trauma when losing a baby. As a caring partner, you want them to feel safe and looked after. However, remember that you are allowed to feel heartbroken too. This was your baby as well.
After loss, you and your partner will need to be there for each other. Some days you’ll feel stronger. Other times, you may be the one who needs support.
Never be afraid to express your feelings. Don’t put up a front — your partner may find it comforting to see you’re hurting too.
You are grieving differently
Everyone grieves differently. Losing a baby is such a unique experience that can affect people in different ways.
In her book The Brink of Being, pregnancy loss expert Julia Bueno explains that women often tend to be ‘intuitive grievers’. They seek support and want to talk about their feelings.
On the flip side, many men are ‘instrumental grievers’. They want to channel their heartbreak into action — like running a marathon for Tommy’s charity.
Not everyone fits neatly into these categories, but it’s useful to recognise that you and your partner might grieve differently.
Communication is key. If your partner wants to talk and you don’t, they might think you don’t care. Explain how you are processing things in your own way. It will help you support each other moving forward.
You feel like you need to be strong
Men are often taught that masculinity means being strong, not vulnerable. That’s simply not true.
There’s nothing wrong with crying, asking for help, or admitting you’re struggling. When faced with something as devastating as pregnancy loss, putting on a brave face can harm your mental health.
It can also make it harder to move through grief. Being honest about your emotions helps you find the support you need. It can also bring you closer to your partner and show them you’re sitting in the grief with them.
We need to unlearn what we’ve been told about what ‘being a man’ means. Opening up about feelings is the ultimate sign of strength.
You struggle to talk about your feelings
Even if you want to open up, you may struggle to find the words — especially when dealing with pregnancy loss.
If talking doesn’t come naturally, try writing instead. Journaling can help get your thoughts down on paper and make them feel less overwhelming. It can also help you see emotional triggers or create a plan for moving forward.
Writing a letter to your baby or partner can also help. It doesn’t need to be sent. Sometimes, just getting things out on paper helps you feel more confident talking about your feelings later.
Where men can get support for pregnancy loss
It’s easy to feel lost and alone, but there are many men who understand what you’re going through. Here are a few places to find support:
The Miscarriage Association – Visit here.
They have helpful resources, forums, and meet-ups for those who’ve experienced loss.
Tommy’s – Visit here.
They conduct research into miscarriage and pregnancy loss and offer advice. You can also raise funds in honour of your baby’s memory.
SANDS – Visit here.
The Stillbirth and Neonatal Death Charity supports people who’ve gone through late miscarriage or loss shortly after birth. They offer local and online meetups.
Men & Miscarriage – Visit here.
This male-focused community on Instagram offers connection and support. They also have podcast episodes that many find comforting.
Him Fertility Meet Ups – Visit here.
Friend of ExSeed Ian Stones hosts a monthly all-guys meet-up through Fertility Network UK. It’s a growing, supportive community discussing infertility and loss.
